The world turned topsy-turvy we should see;
  For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies,
  Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances.

Mumfrey Mappel


DENTIST, n.  A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth,
pulls coins out of your pocket.

DEPENDENT, adj.  Reliant upon another's generosity for the support
which you are not in a position to exact from his fears.

DEPUTY, n.  A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman.
The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and
an intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk.
When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud
of dust.

  "Chief Deputy," the Master cried,
  "To-day the books are to be tried
  By experts and accountants who
  Have been commissioned to go through
  Our office here, to see if we
  Have stolen injudiciously.
  Please have the proper entries made,
  The proper balances displayed,
  Conforming to the whole amount
  Of cash on hand -- which they will count.
  I've long admired your punctual way --
  Here at the break and close of day,
  Confronting in your chair the crowd
  Of business men, whose voices loud
  And gestures violent you quell
  By some mysterious, calm spell --
  Some magic lurking in your look
  That brings the noisiest to book
  And spreads a holy and profound
  Tranquillity o'er all around.
  So orderly all's done that they
  Who came to draw remain to pay.
  But now the time demands, at last,
  That you employ your genius vast
  In energies more active.  Rise
  And shake the lightnings from your eyes;
  Inspire your underlings, and fling
  Your spirit into everything!"
  The Master's hand here dealt a whack
  Upon the Deputy's bent back,
  When straightway to the floor there fell
  A shrunken globe, a rattling shell
  A blackened, withered, eyeless head!
  The man had been a twelvemonth dead.

Jamrach Holobom


DESTINY, n.  A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for
failure.

DIAGNOSIS, n.  A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's
pulse and purse.

DIAPHRAGM, n.  A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest
from disorders of the bowels.

DIARY, n.  A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can
relate to himself without blushing.

  Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ
  All that he had of wisdom and of wit.
  So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died,
  Erased all entries of his own and cried:
  "I'll judge you by your diary."  Said Hearst:
  "Thank you; 'twill show you I am Saint the First" --
  Straightway producing, jubilant and proud,
  That record from a pocket in his shroud.
  The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er,
  Each stupid line of which he knew before,
  Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit
  On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit;
  Then gravely closed the book and gave it back.
  "My friend, you've wandered from your proper track:
  You'd never be content this side the tomb --
  For big ideas Heaven has little room,
  And Hell's no latitude for making mirth,"
  He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth.

"The Mad Philosopher"


DICTATOR, n.  The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of
despotism to the plague of anarchy.

DICTIONARY, n.  A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth
of a language and making it hard and inelastic.  This dictionary,
however, is a most useful work.

DIE, n.  The singular of "dice."  We seldom hear the word, because
there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die."  At long intervals,