reverence for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope to
produce books that will live as long as the fashion.

UXORIOUSNESS, n.  A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own
wife.



V



VALOR, n.  A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's
hope.
  "Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division and
Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge; "move forward, sir, at once."
  "General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am
persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring
them into collision with the enemy."

VANITY, n.  The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.

  They say that hens do cackle loudest when
      There's nothing vital in the eggs they've laid;
      And there are hens, professing to have made
  A study of mankind, who say that men
  Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or pen
      Make the most clamorous fanfaronade
      O'er their most worthless work; and I'm afraid
  They're not entirely different from the hen.
  Lo! the drum-major in his coat of gold,
      His blazing breeches and high-towering cap --
  Imperiously pompous, grandly bold,
      Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap!
  Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue
  Is that in battle he will never hurt you?

Hannibal Hunsiker


VIRTUES, n.pl.  Certain abstentions.

VITUPERATION, n.  Saite, as understood by dunces and all such as
suffer from an impediment in their wit.

VOTE, n.  The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a
fool of himself and a wreck of his country.



W



W (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet, the only
cumbrous name, the names of the others being monosyllabic.  This
advantage of the Roman alphabet over the Grecian is the more valued
after audibly spelling out some simple Greek word, like
_epixoriambikos_.  Still, it is now thought by the learned that other
agencies than the difference of the two alphabets may have been
concerned in the decline of "the glory that was Greece" and the rise
of "the grandeur that was Rome."  There can be no doubt, however, that
by simplifying the name of W (calling it "wow," for example) our
civilization could be, if not promoted, at least better endured.

WALL STREET, n.  A symbol for sin for every devil to rebuke.  That
Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every
unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven.  Even the great and
good Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter.

  Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call
  To battle:  "The brokers are parasites all!"
  Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail;
  Keep the wind of your slogan to belly your sail,
  Go back to your isle of perpetual brume,
  Silence your pibroch, doff tartan and plume:
  Ben Lomond is calling his son from the fray --
  Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away!
  While still you're possessed of a single baubee
  (I wish it were pledged to endowment of me)
  'Twere wise to retreat from the wars of finance
  Lest its value decline ere your credit advance.
  For a man 'twixt a king of finance and the sea,
  Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free!

Anonymus Bink


WAR, n.  A by-product of the arts of peace.  The most menacing
political condition is a period of international amity.  The student
of history who has not been taught to expect the unexpected may justly
boast himself inaccessible to the light.  "In time of peace prepare
for war" has a deeper meaning than is commonly discerned; it means,
not merely that all things earthly have an end -- that change is the
one immutable and eternal law -- but that the soil of peace is thickly
sown with the seeds of war and singularly suited to their germination
and growth.  It was when Kubla Khan had decreed his "stately pleasure
dome" -- when, that is to say, there were peace and fat feasting in
Xanadu -- that he