never had in life. I could hear my voice bouncing off the stone walls around me. I could 
hear the laughter rolling back at me from the crowd. They almost had to drag me off the 
stage to stop me, but everyone knew it had been a great success.
  
  That night, the actress who played my inamorata gave me her own very special and 
intimate accolades. I went to sleep in her arms, and the last thing I remember her saying 
was that when we got to Paris we'd play the St. Germain Fair, and then we'd leave the 
troupe and we'd stay in Paris working on the boulevard du Temple until we got into the 
Comedie-Francaise itself and performed for Marie Antoinette and King Louis.
  
  When I woke up the next morning, she was gone and so were all the players, and my 
brothers were there. I never knew if my friends had been bribed to give me over, or just 
frightened off. More likely the latter. Whatever the case, I was taken back home again.
  
  Of course my family was perfectly horrified at what I'd done. Wanting to be a monk when 
you are twelve is excusable.
  
  But the theater had the taint of the devil. Even the great Moliere had not been given a 
Christian burial. And I'd run off with a troupe of ragged vagabond Italians, painted my 
face white, and acted with them in a town square for money.
  
  I was beaten severely, and when I cursed everyone, I was beaten again.
  
  The worst punishment, however, was seeing the look on my mother's face. I hadn't even 
told her I was going. And I had wounded her, a thing that had never really happened 
before.
  
  But she never said anything about it.
  
  When she came to me, she listened to me cry. I saw tears in her eyes. And she laid her 
hand on my shoulder, which for her was something a little remarkable.
  
  I didn't tell her what it had been like, those few days. But I think she knew. 
Something magical had been lost utterly. And once again, she defied my father. She put an 
end to the condemnations, the beatings, the restrictions.
  
  She had me sit beside her at the table. She deferred to me, actually talked to me in 
conversation that was perfectly unnatural to her, until she had subdued and dissolved the 
rancor of the family.
  
  Finally, as she had in the past, she produced another of her jewels and she bought the 
fine hunting rifle that I had taken with me when I killed the wolves.
  
  This was a superior and expensive weapon, and in spite of my misery, I was fairly eager 
to try it. And she added to that another gift, a sleek chestnut mare with strength and 
speed I'd never known in an animal before. But these things were small compared to the 
general consolation my mother had given me.
  
  Yet the bitterness inside me did not subside.
  
  I never forgot what it had been like when I was Lelio. I became a little crueler for 
what had happened, and I never, never went again to the village fair. I conceived of the 
notion that I should never get away from here, and oddly enough as my despair deepened, 
so my usefulness increased.
  
  I alone put the fear of God into the servants or tenants by the time I was eighteen. I 
alone provided the food for us. And for some strange reason this gave me satisfaction. I 
don't know why, but I liked to sit at the table and reflect that everyone there was 
eating what I had provided.
  
  So these moments had bound me to my mother. These moments had given us a love for each 
other unnoticed and probably unequaled in the lives of those around us.
  
  And now she had come to me at this odd time, when for reasons I didn't understand 
myself, I could not endure the company of any other person.
  
  With my eyes on the fire, I barely saw her climb up and sink down into the straw 
mattress beside me.
  
  Silence. Just the crackling of the fire, and the deep respiration of the sleeping dogs 
beside me.
  
  Then I glanced at her, and I was vaguely startled.
  
  She'd been ill all winter with a cough, and now she looked truly sickly, and her 
beauty, which was always very important to me, seemed vulnerable for the first time.
  
  Her face was angular and her cheekbones perfect, very high and broadly spaced but 
delicate. Her jaw line was strong yet exquisitely feminine. And she had very clear cobalt 
blue eyes fringed with thick ashen lashes.
  
  If there was any flaw in her it was perhaps that all her features were too small, too 
kittenish, and made her look like a girl. Her eyes became even smaller when she was 
angry, and though her mouth was sweet, it often appeared hard. It did not turn down, it 
wasn't twisted in any way, it was like a little pink rose on her face. But her cheeks 
were very smooth and her face narrow, and when she looked very serious, her mouth, 
without changing at all, looked mean for some reason.
  
  Now she was slightly sunken. But she still looked beautiful to me. She still was 
beautiful. I liked looking at her. Her hair was full and blond, and that I had inherited 
from her.
  
  In fact I resemble her at least superficially. But my features are larger, cruder, and 
my mouth is more mobile and can be very mean at times. And you can see my sense of humor 
in my expression, my capacity for mischievousness and near hysterical laughing, which 
I've always had no matter how unhappy I was. She did not laugh often. She could look 
profoundly cold. Yet she had always a little girl sweetness.
  
  Well, I looked at her as she sat on my bed -- I even stared at her, I suppose -- and 
immediately she started to talk to me.