These prejudices of education, proper in themselves to retard the
first explosions of a combustible constitution, were strengthened,
as I have already hinted, by the effect the first moments of
sensuality produced in me, for notwithstanding the troublesome
ebullition of my blood, I was satisfied with the species of
voluptuousness I had already been acquainted with, and sought no
further. I never went to the other species of voluptuousness and had
no suspicion that I was so near it. In my crazy fancies during my
erotic passions and while I was committing extravagant acts, I
borrowed the help of the other sex in my imagination.

  Thus I passed the age of puberty, with a constitution extremely
ardent, without knowing or even wishing for any other gratification of
the passions than what Miss Lambercier had innocently given me an idea
of; and when I became a man, that childish taste, instead of
vanishing, only associated with the other that I never could remove
from my sensual desires. This folly, joined to a natural timidity, has
always prevented my being very enterprising with women, so that I have
passed my days in languishing in silence for those I most admired,
without daring to disclose my wishes.

  To fall at the feet of an imperious mistress, obey her mandates,
or implore pardon, were for me the most exquisite enjoyments, and
the more my blood was inflamed by the efforts of a lively
imagination the more I acquired the appearance of a whining lover.

  It will be readily conceived that this mode of making love is not
attended with a rapid progress or imminent danger to the virtue of its
object; yet, though I have few favors to boast of I have not been
excluded from enjoyment, however imaginary. Thus the senses, in
concurrence with a mind equally timid and romantic, have preserved
my morals chaste, and feelings uncorrupted, with precisely the same
inclinations, which, seconded with a moderate portion of effrontery,
might have plunged me into the most unwarrantable excesses.

  I have made the first, most difficult step, in the obscure and
painful maze of my Confessions. We never feel so great a degree of
repugnance in divulging what is really criminal, as what is merely
ridiculous. I am now assured of my resolution, for after what I have
dared disclose, nothing can have power to deter me. The difficulty
attending these acknowledgments will be readily conceived, when I
declare, that during the whole of my life, though frequently
laboring under the most violent agitation, being hurried away with the
impetuosity of passion I could never, in the course of the most
unbounded familiarity, acquire sufficient courage to declare my folly,
and implore the only favor that remained to bestow. That has only once
happened, when a child, with a girl of my own age; even then it was
she who first proposed it.

  In thus investigating the first traces of my sensible existence, I
find elements, which, though seemingly incompatible, have united to
produce a simple and uniform effect; while others, apparently the
same, have, by the concurrence of certain circumstances, formed such
different combinations, that it would never be imagined they had any
affinity; who would believe, for example, that one of the most
vigorous springs of my soul was tempered in the identical source
from whence luxury and ease mingled with my constitution and
circulated in my veins? Before I quit this subject, I will add a
striking instance of the different effects they produced.

  One day, while I was studying in a chamber contiguous to the
kitchen, the maid set some of Miss Lambercier's combs to dry by the
fire, and on coming to fetch them some time after, was surprised to
find the teeth of one of them broken off. Who could be suspected of
this mischief? No one but myself had entered the room: I was
questioned, but denied having any knowledge of it. Mr. and Miss
Lambercier consult, exhort, threaten, but all to no purpose; I
obstinately persist in the denial; and, though this was the first time
I had been detected in a confirmed falsehood, appearances were so
strong that they overthrew all my protestations. This affair was
thought serious; the mischief, the lie, the obstinacy, were considered
equally deserving of punishment, which was not now to be
administered by Miss Lambercier. My uncle Bernard was written to; he
arrived; and my poor cousin being charged with a crime no less
serious, we were conducted to the same execution, which was
inflicted with great severity. If finding a remedy in the evil itself,
they had sought ever to allay my depraved desires, they could not have
chosen a shorter method to accomplish their designs, and, I can assure
my readers, I was for a long time freed from the dominion of them.

  As this severity could not draw from me the expected acknowledgment,
which obstinacy brought on several repetitions, and reduced me to a
deplorable situation, yet I was immovable, and resolutely determined
to suffer death rather than submit. Force, at length, was obliged to
yield to the diabolical infatuation of a child, for no better name was
bestowed on my constancy, and I came out of this dreadful trial, torn,
it is true, but triumphant. Fifty years have expired since this
adventure- the fear of punishment is no more. Well, then, I aver, in
the face of Heaven, I was absolutely innocent: and, so far from
breaking, or even touching the comb, never came near the fire. It will
be asked, how did this mischief happen? I can form no conception of
it, I only know my own innocence.

  Let any one figure to himself a character whose leading traits
were docility and timidity, but haughty, ardent, and invincible, in
its passions; a child, hitherto governed by the voice of reason,
treated with mildness, equity, and complaisance, who could not even
support the idea of injustice, experiencing, for the first time, so
violent an instance of it, inflicted by those he most loved and