at once. 'Cut off only one of the buttocks of each of those ladies,'
said he, 'and you will fare extremely well; if you are under the
necessity of having recourse to the same expedient again, you will
find the like supply a few days hence. Heaven will approve of so
charitable an action, and work your deliverance.'

  "By the force of this eloquence he easily persuaded them, and all of
us underwent the operation. The man applied the same balsam as they do
to children after circumcision. We were all ready to give up the
ghost.

  "The Janissaries had scarcely time to finish the repast with which
we had supplied them, when the Russians attacked the place by means of
flat-bottomed boats, and not a single janissary escaped. The
Russians paid no regard to the condition we were in; but there are
French surgeons in all parts of the world, and one of them took us
under his care, and cured us. I shall never forget, while I live, that
as soon as my wounds were perfectly healed he made me certain
proposals. In general, he desired us all to be of a good cheer,
assuring us that the like had happened in many sieges; and that it was
perfectly agreeable to the laws of war.

  "As soon as my companions were in a condition to walk, they were
sent to Moscow. As for me, I fell to the lot of a Boyard, who put me
to work in his garden, and gave me twenty lashes a day. But this
nobleman having about two years afterwards been broken alive upon
the wheel, with about thirty others, for some court intrigues, I
took advantage of the event, and made my escape. I traveled over a
great part of Russia. I was a long time an innkeeper's servant at
Riga, then at Rostock, Wismar, Leipsic, Cassel, Utrecht, Leyden, The
Hague, and Rotterdam. I have grown old in misery and disgrace,
living with only one buttock, and having in perpetual remembrance that
I am a Pope's daughter. I have been a hundred times upon the point
of killing myself, but still I was fond of life. This ridiculous
weakness is, perhaps, one of the dangerous principles implanted in our
nature. For what can be more absurd than to persist in carrying a
burden of which we wish to be eased? to detest, and yet to strive to
preserve our existence? In a word, to caress the serpent that
devours us, and hug him close to our bosoms till he has gnawed into
our hearts?

  "In the different countries which it has been my fate to traverse,
and at the many inns where I have been a servant, I have observed a
prodigious number of people who held their existence in abhorrence,
and yet I never knew more than twelve who voluntarily put an end to
their misery; namely, three Negroes, four Englishmen, as many
Genevese, and a German professor named Robek. My last place was with
the Jew, Don Issachar, who placed me near your person, my fair lady;
to whose fortunes I have attached myself, and have been more concerned
with your adventures than with my own. I should never have even
mentioned the latter to you, had you not a little piqued me on the
head of sufferings; and if it were not customary to tell stories on
board a ship in order to pass away the time.

  "In short, my dear miss, I have a great deal of knowledge and
experience in the world, therefore take my advice: divert yourself,
and prevail upon each passenger to tell his story, and if there is one
of them all that has not cursed his existence many times, and said
to himself over and over again that he was the most wretched of
mortals, I give you leave to throw me headfirst into the sea."

  CHAPTER 13

  How Candide Was Obliged to Leave the Fair Cunegund and the Old Woman

  The fair Cunegund, being thus made acquainted with the history of
the old woman's life and adventures, paid her all the respect and
civility due to a person of her rank and merit. She very readily
acceded to her proposal of engaging the passengers to relate their
adventures in their turns, and was at length, as well as Candide,
compelled to acknowledge that the old woman was in the right.

  "It is a thousand pities," said Candide, "that the sage Pangloss
should have been hanged contrary to the custom of an auto-da-fe, for
he would have given us a most admirable lecture on the moral and
physical evil which overspreads the earth and sea; and I think I
should have courage enough to presume to offer (with all due
respect) some few objections."

  While everyone was reciting his adventures, the ship continued on
her way, and at length arrived at Buenos Ayres, where Cunegund,
Captain Candide, and the old woman, landed and went to wait upon the
governor, Don Fernando d'Ibaraa y Figueora y Mascarenes y Lampourdos y
Souza. This nobleman carried himself with a haughtiness suitable to
a person who bore so many names. He spoke with the most noble
disdain to everyone, carried his nose so high, strained his voice to
such a pitch, assumed so imperious an air, and stalked with so much
loftiness and pride, that everyone who had the honor of conversing
with him was violently tempted to bastinade His Excellency. He was
immoderately fond of women, and Miss Cunegund appeared in his eyes a
paragon of beauty. The first thing he did was to ask her if she was
not the captain's wife. The air with which he made this demand alarmed
Candide, who did not dare to say he was married to her, because indeed
he was not; neither did he venture to say she was his sister,
because she was not; and though a lie of this nature proved of great
service to one of the ancients, and might possibly be useful to some
of the moderns, yet the purity of his heart would not permit him to
violate the truth.

  "Miss Cunegund," replied he, "is to do me the honor to marry me, and